Power Struggles in Relationships

Welcome back to Transforming Minds. I'm Dr. Brian Ragsdale. Thank you for joining me for Season 2, Episode 7.

Today, we're diving into an important, sometimes uncomfortable, but deeply human topic: power struggles in relationships. We'll be pulling from ideas I've shared in earlier episodes about breaking free, boundary setting, and the emotional frameworks of dependence, independence, and interdependence. We'll also look at how gender, ethnicity, culture, and money shape the dynamics we bring into our partnerships.

I'll walk you through three real-world relationship snapshots to help bring this to life: a gay couple, two bisexual partners, and a new dad and wife adjusting to parenthood. Remember these are not real client stories, just examples I created to discuss the topic.

Let's jump in.

Music Credits (All from Pixabay): Afro-Beat Pop by Hitslab, American Senses by Duir Silver, Romantic Solo Guitar by Surprising

Transcript

SCRIPT: S2 E7 - Power Struggles in Relationships

Opening (1 minute)

Hello everyone,

Welcome back to Transforming Minds. I'm Dr. Brian Ragsdale. Thank you for joining me for Season 2, Episode 8.

Today, we're diving into an important, sometimes uncomfortable, but deeply human topic: power struggles in relationships. We'll be pulling from ideas I've shared in earlier episodes about breaking free, boundary setting, and the emotional frameworks of dependence, independence, and interdependence. We'll also look at how gender, ethnicity, culture, and money shape the dynamics we bring into our partnerships.

I'll walk you through three real-world relationship snapshots to help bring this to life: a gay couple, two bisexual partners, and a new dad and wife adjusting to parenthood. Remember these are not real client stories, just examples I created to discuss the topic.

Let's jump in.

What Are Power Struggles? (2 minutes)

Power struggles happen when two people are each trying to assert control, influence, or protection over something important to them. It’s not always obvious or aggressive — sometimes it shows up in little ways: decisions about money, emotional closeness, parenting, or even how to spend a Saturday afternoon.

At the core, a power struggle is about fear: fear of losing ourselves, fear of being unseen, fear of not mattering.

Recognizing when you're in a power struggle is the first step to moving through it with compassion, not combat.

Power is also deeply related to cultural norms. As bell hooks reminds us, we are shaped by the structures of white supremacy, capitalism, and patriarchy. These forces teach us early on how power is "supposed" to work — who gets to lead, who follows, whose needs are prioritized, and whose are minimized. We learn about power dynamics in our families, our schools, our workplaces, and our relationships, often without even realizing it.

Understanding this broader socialization is critical. It's not just about "communication issues" between two people; it's about unlearning systems of domination that show up in intimate spaces.

Dependence, Independence, and Interdependence (3 minutes)

Let’s take a moment to frame this with three important modes of relating:

• Dependence is when one partner relies heavily on the other for emotional, financial, or even personal stability. It can feel comforting at first, but over time, too much dependence can create resentment or loss of self.
• Independence is when a partner prioritizes autonomy. They want to make their own decisions, protect their freedom. Independence can be healthy, but too much of it can make a partner feel disconnected or even abandoned.
• Interdependence is the sweet spot. It’s where both people maintain a strong sense of self, but also trust each other for support, intimacy, and collaboration. They don't lose themselves, but they also don't shut each other out.

Power struggles often arise when people are stuck between these modes without even realizing it.

An Imagined Life Snapshot 1: The Gay Couple 

Let's meet Darnell and Marc.

[Scene: Quiet evening at home after a minor argument.]

Marc:
(gentle but frustrated)
"I just wish you'd tell me what you're feeling, Darnell. I feel like I'm always guessing."

Darnell:
(guarded)
"I don't even know how to say it sometimes. Growing up, showing feelings... it wasn't safe."

Marc:
(softening)
"I'm not your past. I'm here. And I can handle whatever you're feeling. You don’t have to go through it alone."

Darnell:
(hesitant but open)
"Maybe... we can start slow. I'm willing to try. I just need you to be patient."

They've been together for three years. Darnell grew up in a very religious Black family, where being gay was not talked about, and emotional vulnerability was discouraged. Marc grew up in a more accepting Latino household but learned early on to equate "success" with control — always needing to have a plan.

Their power struggle often plays out around emotional availability. Marc wants more openness, more shared vulnerability. Darnell sometimes pulls away when things get intense, feeling overwhelmed and exposed.

Culture, and family histories are at play here. Darnell’s early survival strategy was emotional independence — "don't let people see you hurting." Marc's was "if I’m not in control, I'm failing."

Their healing path? Learning how to move toward interdependence: where Darnell can trust that vulnerability is strength, not weakness, and Marc can soften his grip and allow messiness without labeling it as failure.

Snapshot 2: The Bisexual Partners (3 minutes)

Now meet Kira and Jesse.

[Scene: Late night kitchen conversation after a tense moment about visibility.]

Kira:
(calm but firm)
"Sometimes it feels like you forget what it's been like for me — fighting to be seen as a Black queer woman for years."

Jesse:
(quietly)
"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to erase your experiences. I think... I get caught up in my own fears and forget yours are heavier."

Kira:
(nodding)
"I don’t need you to compare struggles. I just need you to see all of me. To stand next to me."

Jesse:
(genuinely)
"I want to do better. Teach me. Walk with me. I'm not here to compete with you — I’m here to love you."

Both identify as bisexual. Kira is a Black woman who has been out for years; Jesse is a white nonbinary person who only recently began living more openly.

Their power struggles often show up around "whose experience is more valid." Jesse sometimes centers their own newness to queerness, while Kira, who’s faced years of compounded racism, sexism, and queerphobia, feels unseen and erased.

Money is also a factor. Kira earns more, which sometimes unconsciously shifts how decisions are made—even though neither wants that to happen.

Their work is about moving toward interdependence too: validating both of their experiences, understanding intersectionality, interlocking oppressions, and making sure that money doesn't silently become a weapon of influence.

It’s about seeing each other fully, without ranking pain or power.

Snapshot 3:

Let's meet Alex and Sofia.

[Scene: Sunday afternoon, cleaning up after lunch, tension in the air.]

Sofia:
(exhausted)
"I’m tired of feeling like I have to keep everything together by myself."

Alex:
(defensive)
"I work hard too. I thought I was helping by just... staying out of the way."

Sofia:
(pausing, softer)
"I don’t want you to stay out of the way. I want you in it with me. Not just doing tasks — sharing the emotional load."

Alex:
(thoughtful)
"Okay. I hear you. I don't want to just be around — I want to show up for you. Tell me where to start."

They’ve been together for several years and recently started facing new challenges in their relationship. Alex feels sidelined — like his efforts aren't seen or valued. Sofia feels overwhelmed and unseen too — carrying much of the emotional labor in the relationship.

Their power struggle isn’t about love. It’s about roles, unspoken expectations, and invisible pressures.

Sofia, shaped by a cultural belief that "you have to handle everything to be strong," struggles to ask for help or share vulnerability.
 Alex, raised with the idea that "providing is enough," sometimes withdraws emotionally when he doesn't know how to meet emotional needs.

Financial stress and life demands can make even small disagreements feel heavier than they are.

Their healing work? Naming these hidden scripts. Moving toward interdependence means building new agreements like:

"We both deserve support. We are both learning. We are both worthy of care."

It's about redefining strength — not as doing it all alone, but as building a partnership where both people can lean in and lean on each other.

In many relationships, there's a cycle like we could imagine happening that plays out like a see-saw.

One partner becomes more verbal, pushing for connection, asking for answers, needing intimacy.
 The other partner pulls back, grows silent, or asks for space.
 The more one pushes, the more the other retreats.
 The more one retreats, the more the other pushes.
 And around and around it goes.

It's like being stuck on a playground see-saw where nobody can find balance. One person’s anger grows, the other shuts down even more. It feels endless, exhausting.

But someone has to be the first to step off the see-saw.

And that first step is listening.
Not listening to win.
Not listening to defend.
But listening to understand.

The goal in these moments isn't to fix the problem on the spot. It's to slow down enough to truly hear each other.
 Listen. Reflect on what was said. Then speak.

Because real problem-solving happens later — after both people have had time to reflect, regulate, and reconnect.

When you rush to "win" an argument, nobody actually wins.
 Relationships aren't about "I win and you lose."
 They're about "we win together" — over the long marathon, not the sprint.

It's about seeing yourselves as a team.

Sometimes you give more.
 Sometimes you take a little more.
 But always with the goal of maintaining the relationship as something bigger than either one of you alone.

That's how we build strong, lasting partnerships: by learning the dance of give and take, patience and presence, over and over again.

Final Reflections (3 minutes)

Power struggles are not signs of failure.

They're invitations to deeper understanding. Let me repeat that.  They’re invitations to deeper understanding.

When we move from dependence or rigid independence into interdependence, we create relationships that are freer, more respectful, and more fulfilling.

And remember — perceptions about race, gender, sexuality, money, and culture are always quietly influencing the dance. Acknowledging these forces doesn't make love harder. It makes it more honest. More sustainable.

Whether you're Darnell and Marc, Kira and Jesse, Alex and Sofia — or someone else entirely — the goal isn't "winning." The goal is connection.

Thank you for being here today. Keep doing the brave work of loving yourself and others in deeper, more conscious ways.

Until next time. Be well and remember we can love each other deeply.